Trust

A good friend gave us the devotional 'Jesus Calling', it's been great because there are times that I want to go to the Word and then I sit there with my bible unsure of where to turn. It's just a short devo and a few verses. I read yesterdays today (I didn't really know what day it was) and was very blessed by the truth in the words. Here is what it said:

Trust Me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded. My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor. Yield to His gentle touch; be sensitive to His prompting.

Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don't let your need to understand distract you from My Presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangeld up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time.

"O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." Psalm 84:12

My soul needed this reminder today.

One Month

It is overwhelming to think that tomorrow will be one month since our sweet Elyse went to be with Jesus. I still miss her just about every minute of every day, which will probably remain for a while. We got a pack of info from Angel Babies, a ministry in Fresno through Hinds Hospice. There is a page with some insights for friends that I wanted to share. It talks about things I have been feeling, but have been unable to communicate, at least unable to communicate them well. Okay, here is an excerpt:

To our Family & Friends: Our Grief Experience Shared.
We want to share with you some of our feelings and how you can help and support us. We have suffered a tremendous loss, and we need to grieve. Even though this may be uncomfortable for others around us, it's something we MUST do. We won't be over this in a few weeks as most people expect. We will be able to adjust to the loss of our precious child if we are given the time needed to grieve. (Avereage intense grieving is 18-24 months). However, we will not be the same people we were before our loss.


We may need to talk about our baby, how much we loved our child and the details of our experience. Even though we may not have many memories we suffer from broken dreams. During this time we need others to be there and listen to us time and time again. This is the kindest thing a person can do for us. We do not want to forget our baby and we will need to mention her in the future. It would be appreciated if you would remember our baby, especially on difficult days such as anniversary days, birthdays, Christmas, and Mother's and Father's Day.

In our struggles with our grief, we may have difficulties with the following:
* Understanding our many emotions and feeling emotionally balanced.
* Coping with feelings of guilt, anger and jealousy.
* Dealing with normal daily functions due to lack of energy.
* Deciding what to do with our baby's belongings.
* Coping with the individuality of our grief as a family and as a couple.
* Sharing family celebrations.
* Seeing babies that are the same age our child would have been.
* Need to make major decisions such as subsequent pregnancies, moving, job changes, etc.
* Visiting the cemetery and purchasing a tombstone.
* Remembering our baby in special ways that are acceptable.
* Feeling different and subsequently feeling isolated.
* Dealing with physical symptoms that arise due to grieving.

Dealing with these many emotions takes a lot of courage and tedious work. It is worth it so we can have peace of mind and physical well being.
If we sound a little selfish, please understand. Only after we are able to adjust and experience the journey of grief can we reach out and help others. One day we will be able to live life in a fuller manner.
We try not to criticize others. Before our baby died, we didn't understand the full impact this loss had. We want to share this painful experience with you so others can understand our need for support. No one will be able to take our pain away, but perhaps they can be there and listen.

Reading this has been so comforting; it helps to validate some of the feelings and emotions that I have. A couple things in particular have stood out to me, the statement about grieving over broken dreams. That has been such a reality for me, you picture your family, life and future to be a certain way and then in an instant it has all changed. So not only am I missing my sweet little girl, I'm missing what I imagined her life and our life as a family would be. I'm so saddened over her and Pete not being great friends. I'm saddened over future siblings missing out on their older sis. There will always be a part of our family that is missing...

Also, the timeframe of intense grieving, 18-24 months, that seems like a long time. And yet it is hard to imagine this pain and suffering leaving us anytime soon. I think the encouraging side of that is that what we're experiencing is pretty 'normal' so to speak. I know some people expect us to be over this soon, not so much spoken expectations, but silent ones. Well we're not going to be better for a while. We know that God is good, faithful and sovereign and that we are in His hands. We trust Him with our futures, with the pain and ache and know that HE WILL complete a good work in us and through us. There is so much more on my heart and in my mind, but I think this is more than enough for right now.

Love this boy!!

I really do love and I think I appreciate him in new ways these last few weeks. What a blessing he is! He LOVES looking at sissy's pictures. For almost a week now he has been asking to see her pictures, the ones around the house, on the computer, on Cliff's phone, her slideshow, anywhere he can see his sweet sis. I think it took all the commotion slowing down for him to really realize that she isn't here with us anymore. He asks for her sometimes and we usually just tell him that sissy is with Jesus now. One day he'll understand just what that means. Yesterday I was cleaning my bathroom and right outside the door is a basket left from Elyse's memorial service with a bunch of the smaller frames in it. Peter emptied the whole basket talking about each picture of her (he would say, "sis" or "feet") it was so cute! And then he put them all back just the way they were before, what a sweet type 'A' little boy I have. We have been praying that he will have supernatural memories of Elyse and I hope this is the beginning of seeing that prayer answered.

Your Hands

I am loving this song by JJ Heller lately, it kind of just spells out what I am feeling. I find myself playing it and sing it often. I had just heard of her a couple months back and then a few days after Elyse died my friend mentioned this song. I had to purchase it right then! You can check her out here or download the album here. Enjoy!

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Monterey - The Aquariam

I love this one of the boys, it totally shows all of their personalities, Pete could have stayed here all day!

Oh how I love this boy, he wasn't really into posing for the picture.

The Jellyfish room was really cool. We had a good weekend all things considered, it was rough at times and good at times. We know that we are going to have so many firsts without our sweet girl and this was just one. Cliff does a way better job at writing our feelings so visit his blog for a more detailed report. Overall we were glad to "get-away" for a couple of days, yet nothing is to great these days. Thanks sissy and Eric for everything!

Saturday

Here is the link to my sweet friend Jen's (one of my many sweet friends named Jen) website of a handful of amazing photos that she was able to capture from Elyse's Memorial Service and the graveside. They are so incredible, I'm so glad that someone thought to have someone take photos (thanks Johnna - I think) I'm looking forward to seeing more.

Jen, what an amazing gift you've given us - THANK YOU!!!

Sweet Elyse

Oh, how I miss this sweet baby girl. God is so faithful and good, but man what I wouldn't give to have this whole last week be just a bad dream and I could still have her in my arms.