Today marks the point where Elyse has been gone longer than she was here on earth with us. Minus that sweet 9 months in my womb, which I now treasure so much more and really appreciate that I got an extra few months to know her.
I was doing okay, had a busy day lots to do (still have lots to do as I sit and write out my thoughts). I think I just wanted to push it aside and not confront what it really represents. I think I've been wanting to do that lately, just put my head down and plow through. Surely it will be better on the other side. Really? Probably not. Not if I don't learn anything from walking this road. Lord knows I never want to have to learn any of these lessons again, at least not in this same way.
And then it all came crashing down. The fast tears streaming down my face, feeling as if I might not be able to breath because it hurts so bad. Those feelings and emotions that I don't feel everyday anymore. But they still come. And they probably will a little more as February and March are drawing so near. I just wanted to be mad, I just wanted to be angry and sad and every other emotion that I keep at bay most of the time. I'm tired of having the 'right' reactions and attitudes. I just want to scream and say it's NOT OKAY!!!!! It's not okay that my sweet girl isn't here anymore. I think you got it wrong Lord, I think I still need her.
As I looked up and saw her smiling face and chubby arms, her beautiful blue eyes, those cheeks that went on and on and of course her chubby little legs that barely fit into those skinny jeans she's wearing. I thought, I didn't get enough. Not enough giggles, or smiles, or tears, or even fits (which I never really got to experience). I didn't get to feel those roles in her arms enough, or place enough zerberts on that belly, or tickle those thighs enough to elicit such joyous squeals and giggles. I was jipped. There should have been more moments, I wish I could have one of those moments right now.
But you know what? I don't, I don't have any more moments with Elyse this side of heaven. I'm really sad about that, really sad. And you know what else? That's okay that I'm sad. I want to feel this sadness for all that it is and today I felt it. Deep in my soul I feel it right now. Part of me is missing, part of my family is missing, so much of my future is missing.
So I thought, I'm just going to be upset about life and scream LIFE STINKS! Which it does, at times. My God wouldn't really have any of that...I think He's okay that I'm sad. But, He doesn't want me to live there and truth be told I don't want to live there either. It's hard work being upset about everything and it's draining, it will suck the life right out of you.
So I jumped on the treadmill because if there was one thing I really needed to do today it was run. I put on a podcast from Focus on the Family in was on Trusting God in Family Life I didn't think much of the subject. And then it started, talking about the fear of losing a child and Job and so on. I won't go into all the details, but I will tell you it was God speaking to me. More tears, I had to walk, I couldn't run with the tears that were falling. It was God reminding me that His ways are the best ways. His plan is good, He has good things for me. He's God and I'm not. I'm so glad.
This morning He showed me this verse:
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is as work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
I'm so glad his power is at work in me. I'm so glad that he is able to do more than I can imagine, I don't have a great imagination. ;) I'm so glad that he doesn't let me sit in my muck for long. Yes, I'm sad, but this year I'm also hopeful. Trying to live in that hope today and everyday. Not ignoring the real emotions and realities that are in my life, but not living in those 24/7 either.